Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
