You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So many bounce houses so little time
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
