I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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