so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
