Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
