i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
