speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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