Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
