that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
