I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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