i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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