So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
