Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
