Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
