How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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