she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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