There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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