Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My feet surprised me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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