can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
