This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize