Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
