Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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