you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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