This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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