tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
