If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
