Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
