She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I enjoy the company of your penis
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
