I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
