We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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