just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize