When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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