Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
