My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
