You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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