sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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