It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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