Ambien. No doubt about it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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