You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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