i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
