I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
