remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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