Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
