Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
