I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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