God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
