Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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