My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
