You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
