Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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