party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
