And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
