I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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