I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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