My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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