turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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