I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
