I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
