i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The power of my boobs compel you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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